Mood : Missing Him
Hi My Diary..
I'm actually not strong but I force myself to be that. Today, I'm really means that coz I start to make therapy like before when I missing my hubby. Therapy? Makan.. Shopping.. (Macam bagus! Hehehehe.)
My dear.. Today I bought jubah.. Hmmm.. I think U will like it..
As a women with this age, we think that we don't have enough time to spend more. Maybe 1 or 2 years, or maybe a month and maybe a second we don't know. But what to do, this is my fate. I must and I can! Thats why God gave!
I always persuade myself when I hope him here by say
"I'm so grateful with what is surround me"
U got Allah!
Allah just just take him temporary!
U got daughters who really love U Nazura!
U got siblings who really care and always support U behind!
U got a family that always take care U!
U have lovely friends who always love U even them r far!
But.. The truth..
Every now and again my husband has to leave me and go away for more than a couple of months. At first I think positive! Example.. I think that it is fun, no schedule to keep, no proper dinners to make unless I'm feel good mood and complete control over the TV. Sleep as late as I like or get up as early as I want and not worry about who I'm disturbing. But as the days pass, the absence becomes acute and instead of something fun it becomes painful. So painnnn. A hole in the fabric of life.
I go to sleep on your side of the bed but wake up on his side, reaching out even in sleep searching for him. Now instead of being a relief not to have to fix dinner on a schedule, I don't want to fix dinner at all because it makes it harder to stare at his empty seat at the table so better I eat at sofa n partner with TV. Huhuhu. I find myself picking up the sweat shirt he would wear when he was being lazy at home and wearing it coz if I close my eyes I can fool myself into thinking he's around.
Its hating to go to bed at night coz I don't want to face that empty place. Being alone in a world full of couples. But then he calls or emails and its like for a brief moment he is back with you. From first he arrived there until now, he without fail to call me everyday instead of me (can count how many time I call him.. Tq dear..).
I fill the time with stupid little details like lied myself by said that he is just at work and will back not so late n sometime said 3 months is not long time instead the truly is 3 months Iis really longgggg time. I don't want to talk about anything deep because my heart will cry at how much I miss him and that won't make things any easier for either of U. Sometime when my friend ask about my experience, my eye look alike a glass to show that my deep deep deep inside is really pain. I don't want him know how pain I feel actually here. Everything I share only simple things coz I want he know that I'm okay here n don't want him feel worried there. Technology today allows me for more face to face contact but sometimes that just makes we miss the skin to skin contact all the more. The simplest of touches like the quick hug before he leaves for work or the hand he puts on your leg as he drives. The sound of his heartbeat when I lay my head on his shoulder. Its only the little things but really miss that.
I still remember how pain I felt when I got pregnant and I must take care myself without him here. Who have pregnant ofcoz know how is pregnancy simptom are. U need somebody to support U to be tough. At that time Im so grateful coz surround me really help. But nobody will help us like our hubby treat us, right? Im proud with my baby Wana coz really strong with Mommy to face this world. When at night, nobody will ask "Are u okay?".. Massage when backpain.. Remind n make milk for me.. Accompany me to clinic for checkup. How strong I are. But its the time to think and appreciate what he have do before right wahai Nazura!
I throw those silly romances in the trash coz the scenes in them turn on I but I have no one to be with. I start to plan homecomings in my mind.. greetings at airports, stolen moments in the car that can get out of hand, decisions on whether to go straight home or find a close hotel (this is always him plan to make me surprise), think about ur plan for next holiday. Count day.. So I try to lose those 10 kgs but fail untill now. Huhuhu. That have found their way to your hips and buy a new wardrobe or do I stay the way I were when he left? He's had all that time to see all those single women and now he is going to be stuck with me again. I want to make him glad to be home. I want to make it perfect. I look at all the lines and wrinkles at my face and I want time to go back 20 years. Can I? He hasn't changed.. He look better and I have in so many ugly ways. Or my eyes got prob? ;-)
And all the things that going wrong while he is gone. Hahaha. Things go wrong when he is home but they seem 20 times worse when he is gone. I can take care of them, it isn't anything drastic but I start to lose confidence that I can handle anything. This is normal. Or maybe it is just the stress of being on my own for so long. I want to make him share in every decision or at least sign off on the ones I have made. I need validation that I are doing the right things so that there are no surprises when he come home. But I can't wait for him to come home, wrinkles and time not withstanding.
But I know that life won't give me the time I want so I must plan carefully and thoughtfully. I have to remember that he will have thoughts and plans and I have to find time to talk about it all but every time he call or chat it is the little day to day things you speak of. Why is it so hard to say what is in your heart? I truly can't wait for him to be home. Home to tuck myself under his arm and snuggled up close to his side. Home to cook his favorite meals and lots things just to see him give me that sweet half smile. Sometimes the food he don't like to eat also i love to cooked. :)
Home to watch him do his push ups and sit ups and exercise in front of me with a cute face. Home to sit beside him on the hall while he channel surfs and can't find anything good on to watch. Home to set up date nights so that we don't forget how much we missed each other while we were apart and to hold on to the feeling we had when we came back together again. I am counting down the days. I will email and chat whenever possible and keep him involved in all my day to day details. He'll not come home a stranger. We'll make time to be together before life intrudes and we have to go back to the routine of everyday life. But there will always be hugs before leaving for work and a hand on a leg while driving and the steady beat of his heart when you lay your head on his chest at the end of the day.
I know the truth that my hubby work to find extra money for our future and now he fulfill that, even my mind set that, even my mouth said that.. But the truth is
Everyday I try to go through this 4 years with lied myself that I'm strong person, everybody said that, the things that make me strong is only "patient". Tq "patient" to accompany me.
Tq God.
I miss him.
:(
* Note : Amek U, luahan for 4 years. Hehehehehe.
